


Accidental Voyeur

by quiet__tiger



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, F/M, Humor, Other, Snark, Stakeout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 00:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10708647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiet__tiger/pseuds/quiet__tiger
Summary: Batman unintentionally takes in a show.





	Accidental Voyeur

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Livejournal Feb. 17th, 2008.

Batman stood against the wall, not quite leaning against it, and watched the apartment building across the street. From his place on the roof of this building, he had a good view inside the other structure, and also wasn’t easily visible himself. He was waiting for a particular resident to return home and open shop for his illegal arms trading, and when he did, Batman was going to launch a line across the street, surprise the shit out of the criminal, bust some skulls, call the police, do one more sweep of the city, then go back to his Cave.

It was a nice, solid plan.

However, even careful planning couldn’t always account for the unexpected.

A half hour into his stakeout, he heard the door to the roof open. The creaking was accompanied by giggling. What the...?

His partially-formed question was answered when a young couple, maybe early-twenties, not unattractive, came into view. The male was carrying a blanket, while the female was carrying a wine bottle and two glasses. They came to a stop fifteen feet in front of Batman and slightly to his left. The male spread the blanket out on the concrete roof and then they both sat down. The female poured them both a glass of red wine.

Wonderful. These two had chosen the exact wrong time and place for a date.

And then they started to talk. “You look really pretty tonight,” the guy said, and the girl giggled and smiled and answered coyly, “Thank you. You, too.” The guy smiled back, and took a sip from his glass.

Batman then had to listen to twenty minutes of inane couples’ chatter, the words obvious attempts at flirting. Eventually there was an exchange of innuendoes, and the guy leaned in to kiss the girl. Batman rolled his eyes. It was more effective to start with touches with the hands rather than leaping directly into a kiss. Teasing, prolonging sensation, heightening anticipation, they all led to the first kiss being very powerful. Same way with delaying orgasm.

A large hand came up to cup one of the girl’s breasts through her shirt. She allowed it, and he squeezed gently. She broke the kiss and smiled coyly again, and Batman had to force himself to not snort. It was like watching some goddamned coming of age movie. Except with a lot more awkward scrabbling.

By the time it became evident that their make out session wasn’t going to be a make out session and was instead clumsy foreplay, Batman was stuck. He couldn’t not watch them, because they were in his line of sight both in general and because he was watching across the street above their heads. And he couldn’t leave, both because he was on a stakeout and if he left _now_ the horny couple might _see_ him. He was against a wall with nothing above him, camouflaged only by his stillness and the shadows. There was no easy way out. 

The news would spread quickly once the couple told others that Batman hung out on roofs to spy on people, and he’d be labeled as a pervert. He wanted criminals to fear him because of superstition and intimidation, not because they were afraid he’d spy on them during sex. And the teasing... And if the general populace didn’t like him now, wait until they thought he was a pervert. The police would be even less accepting of him, and parents wouldn’t let their kids idolize him. And once it all made the papers, then the Justice League would hear about it, the Titans, the Doom Patrol, hell, _Alfred_. And if the Joker made sexual advances and whispered disgusting innuendos to him _now_ , it would be even more hellish if the clown found out.

Motherfucker.

The girl fumbled at the buttons on the guy’s shirt, and then he couldn’t undo her bra with one hand. Jesus Christ. Was it _that_ hard? Fortunately they each took off their own pants, otherwise he feared they all might be here until dawn. The guy kissed awkwardly down the girl’s neck to her chest, then went through the breast play he’d probably been dying for the entire evening. Batman focused on the dark window across the street, hoping that the couple would finish and leave before he had to go make his move.

His attention was drawn back to the couple at a murmur of pain from the girl. Batman squinted and fought the reflex to turn on his night vision lenses to confirm what he was seeing. The guy had his fingers in the girl, working them slowly in and out. That was quick; unless she’d been prepared before then, she probably wasn’t wet enough. He almost wanted to toss the guy the lube he carried in his belt. At least go _down_ on her.

And what, was she just going to lie there? What about a little oral on _him_? Or his nipples... He’d put money on _neither_ member of the couple remembering that the guy even had nipples, let alone knew they were sensitive.

The clit, go for the clit... No, not feeble stabs with the thumb... No, don’t make him do everything, use your own fingers on your own clit if he isn’t doing it right. It was like watching amateur porn, only worse. Amateur porn at least edited out some of the bumbling.

Maybe Batman could donate some decent porn to the couple. Give them some study materials.

They seemed to be enjoying each other, anyway, and at least the girl seemed to actually be feeling good now, but it could be so much _better_. Bruce had had sex with countless women and a few men, and considered himself fairly knowledgeable. His partners always seemed satisfied. There were so many little things that paid big dividends later.

The guy withdrew his fingers and reached into the pocket of his jeans, and pulled out a condom. Good. At least Batman probably wouldn’t watch someone get conceived on this gritty rooftop.

The guy actually got the condom open without a problem, which surprised the hell out of Batman. Even rolled it on the right way, too. So this _wasn’t_ his first time, contrary to the evidence. Unless he just practiced putting on condoms...

For some reason there was a little trouble actually getting his penis inside. Was he not hard enough? Was she too tight? Could he not find it after all that ‘work’ getting her ready? Batman sighed inaudibly. Perhaps Bruce Wayne should make some donations to the school system to encourage sex education classes to actually be educational.

Though perhaps it was a good thing that this public display of sex was as inexpert as it was. A sexy couple might be arousing, rather than amusing. Batman was always in control of his body, but there was always the potential for something to go awry, training be damned.

His eyes went back to the windows across the street, which were thankfully still dark. He refocused his attention back on the couple when he heard the male grunt and pant. Was he coming _already_? What in the hell was that? Sex was not worth the work of foreplay if it didn’t last as long as the foreplay. He might as well have screwed a melon.

The guy dropped down to kiss the girl, which was nice, he supposed. Would be nicer to help her come _first_. Unless she was just really quiet, which was possible but unlikely. Not based on the way she hadn’t seemed that worked up for him. She still didn’t seem worked up, actually. She kissed back happily, from what he could tell, but...

Whatever. If they both had a good time, then good for them. But it was a pathetic show, considering all that could be done. The sad thing was that if they stayed a couple, neither would know how much better it could be. Where there was skill and experience and overwhelming passion. But if they were happy together, then it must all be satisfying enough.

The couple kissed for a while longer, and Batman almost thought they were going to go for another round, but then they got dressed and cleaned up and held hands as they walked back out of his field of vision.

Thank God.

He heard the door shut and exhaled. Now if only that thieving bastard would come the hell home so he could—

The lights finally came on and Batman was in action in a flash, line shot across the street as he executed the plan he developed hours ago. Shortly he was on his way home, Gotham cleaned up for the night.

During his shower his thoughts wandered back to the couple on the roof. Though they amused him, he was also slightly jealous. That young man had his girl, and she had her boy. They were comfortable enough to fool around on a rooftop, and in general seemed to really enjoy each other’s company. Bruce Wayne may be a phenomenal lover, but he didn’t have that sort of intimacy with anyone. Hadn’t in a while.

Maybe he could take the time...

But no, his city needed him. His colleagues needed him. His family needed him.

He was too old for young love, anyway.

But good sex...

There was always time for that.

He’d give Selina or Kal a call tomorrow.


End file.
